Great Expectations

Mya had three episodes of what I thought was projectile vomiting after eating. My husband did not think it was projectile, but nonetheless, it was scary enough to make him call the pediatrician. We took her to the doctor's this afternoon only to find out that she may have Pyloric Stenosis and if she does, our little girl will have to have surgery. Grr... Then again, it could just be a stomach virus, a reaction to the heat, or sour breast milk. I have never wished for sour milk before, but I have been all day. LOL. After feeding Mya a equal mixture of Pedialyte and breast milk, she see,s to be doing better. The vomiting changed to spitting up and it only happened once.
Here is a pic to make you smile.
 
And another one.

• Mya should have been born tomorrow but having her here four weeks early and healthy was a gift. My life got better four weeks earlier.
  
• My life would have been totally different if I never met Drew but I don't regret one minute that I have spent with him. It took me a while to figure that out. I'm happy.
  
• I could have curled up and died emotionally over the last four weeks. You will never know how close I came to the edge. But please know, my blogging friends, that your comments and support have kept me from falling.

I wanted to be a Mommy so badly and until it happened, I never believed the one or two complaints of Motherhood that I heard on television. I couldn’t imagine that people would actually find this complicated. I mean all you have to do is love a cute baby. How hard could that be, right? WRONG. I was unbelievably wrong. Motherhood is filled with secrets that are only whispered about on somewhat anonymous blogs and message boards on-line. And these secrets are kept hidden in the tradition of the Knights Templar- there are clues and coded messages that cannot be understood by newbies. Not that they want to. If you are like most soon-to-be-mommies, you don’t go looking for these secrets. You live in complete euphoria and tell yourself that Motherhood will be perfect.

As a new-to-the-game-Mommy, let me tell you that this is so not true. Motherhood is like a really strict weight-loss program. You enter into it with the best of intentions, but sometime after day 5, you want to go back to the life you led before. And so, in the hopes of saving other unsuspecting women from the total shock of Motherhood. Here are the secrets that I am uncovering as I embark on my Motherhood journey:

(1) Babies are cute most of the time, but when they are screaming at the top of their lungs because they are feeling/wanting/needing something that you have to figure out that cuteness turns to obnoxious. However, once you figure out what it is that they feel/want/need the cuteness returns.

(2) The sound of a crying baby doesn’t just cause your breast to leak at the most inconvenient times, it also makes your heart shatter and you feel as if you failed as a mother. Again, the cuteness returns when you have managed to calm said baby, you will feel as if you won the lottery.

(3) After you have tried every trick in the book to soothe your baby, your husband/spouse/significant other will be able to do it just by picking him/her up. And you will feel like a complete failure. You will also count the minutes until your husband/spouse/significant other comes to relieve you.

(4) The sound of your baby’s explosive gas and/or poop will make you smile and laugh. That is until that sound is followed by screams because said baby has a horrible diaper rash that you cannot cure no matter what you try. You will try every remedy in the book or suggested by your friends/family, and nothing will work. Finally you will sell your soul to the devil for a cure only to find that said baby doesn’t even have diaper rash but an allergy to disposable diapers.

(5) You will call your pediatrician no less than 12 times in the first week of having your baby home because EVERYTHING that your baby does will seem abnormal. Don’t worry, he/she expects it and in fact has set up Sunday hours just so new moms can feel better.

(6) Every mother who had children over 20 years ago will disagree with everything that you are doing. They will tell you to use products/techniques that have been proven dangerous and then will knock your pediatrician for not telling you to do the same. Nod, smile, thank them, and then do what you want. You will avoid a lot of arguments this way.

(7) Mother’s of all ages in your family (especially your in-laws) will criticize EVERYTHING you do that is different from what they do in order to justify their own parenting choices. Again, nod, smile and then do what you want.

(8) Breast milk is GREAT for your baby, but giving it to him is time consuming and sometimes not worth the hassle. Don’t feel badly if you decide to stop. Your baby will not hate you because you do. In fact, your baby doesn’t care. As long as you smile while you are feeding him, he will thing you are the best thing since, well, since amniotic fluid.

(9) You will cut your baby’s finger when you try to clipe her nails. She will bleed a lot. You will cry. But she will not. Don’t worry, we all do it.

(10) People will try to categorize you baby. They will compare him to other children and it will annoy you to no end. CHANGE THE SUBJECT OR GET AWAY.

(11) You will be tired. You will be stressed. You will be overwhelmed. You will doubt yourself. You will be cranky. You will be scared. You will be happy. You will be smitten. You will be totally in love. And you will be GREAT. Make sure you find people to tell you that. Hearing it will do wonders for you coping abilities.

What secrets can you share?

I sent out the Bat Signal twice so far, and so many blog mothers responded. I have to send a great big THANKS to you all. I want to respond to everyone. But first I need to say this. I have been rereading my blog entries and I noticed that I am such a DRAMA QUEEN. Please don't turn your back on me because I seem to find the one gray cloud in the sky. I'm just very honest about my feelings whenn I blog and many times I am blog because I'm not feeling too great. I promise to blog about the good things too. I need to re-focus and to do that I have to look for the positives in my life. It's not too hard. I have a BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER who loves me no matter what I do or don't do. When she presses her head to my chest and falls asleep, I know that I am truly blessed. My husband, despite his recent brainfart, is a GREAT MAN who treats me like a queen. I would never have made it through such a difficult pregnancy without him. I have great friends who come to my rescue when I'm in need of rescuing. I am grateful for it all.

I don't have a lot of IRL friends who are parents. Most of the Mommy's that are know are related to me somehow. Unfortunately, sometimes it's hard to get support from them because family has a way of criticizing rather than helping. That is why I depend so much on my blog friends. Luckily for me, the advice that I have received over the last 48 hours has been invaluable. Ladies, you are my lifeline. Please know that while I did not respond to your comments individually, I have read each and every one and I an truly trying to follow your advice. Here is an update:

(1) I called a LC from LLL and she is coming to my house on Monday to help me out. She said that she will come every day until Mya latches on well and breastfeeding is well-established. She was so supportive. I explained my issues and we are going to try using a Supplemental Nursing System to help Mya latch on. BTW- my normally perky nipples are now flat because they were traumatized while using the pump at the hospital. I have been trying a shield but I think it is too big/small. The LC will help me with that too.

(2)Mya's paediatrician checked her rash and said that it is not a yeast infection or a diaper rash. It is irritation from the baby wipes that we are using. I noticed that when I used the Pamper's brand wipes, she screams, but when I use the BJ's brand all natural unscented wipes, she is fine. So, the doctor told us to put Bacitracin on the two sores and then Balmex over the area. Also to use a spray bottle to clean her and then pat her dry. I have been keeping her diaper off for as long as I can so that it can air out too. It seems to be helping. Last night she slept from 11:00 PM until 2:30 AM ( a record) and when I changed her she did not scream. Unfortunately, when she goes to the bathroom it hurts and she cries, but it does seem to be getting better. I am keeping the Butt Paste handy JIC!

(3)My stomach is doing better. I ate Chicken Parmesan and spaghetti yesterday and I feel so much better.

(4)My husband won some serious brownie points with my Mother's Day gift. It is a beautiful 4-picture gold locket. We also talked and I told him that although he is working outside the house, he gets a break from "parent patrol" and I need the same break. I think things will be different now. And finally, please go over to Alison Kent's blog to read a great post on Motherhood. And to all you Momma's who have shared your wisdom with me:

It has been hard. Anyone who tells you that having a baby is easy is smoking crack! OK, now that I got that out of my system, let me fill you in on what has been going on.

(ONE) BREASTFEEDING
Mya does not latch on. Breastfeeding is the ONE thing that I wanted to do, and I can't. I have given up trying to get her to latch on because she gets too frustrated and then doesn't eat at all. It looks like I will be EXCLUSIVELY PUMPING milk for her. I guess this is the next best thing, but I want to be able to have her feed directly from the breast. I was thinking about calling a lactation consultant to help me, but I'm scared to. My experience with the LC at the hospital left me in tears after she basically said that I should NEVER supplement with formula. She knew that Mya was in NICU and had to be given formula, but she still decided to make me feel like crap. In order to maintain an adequate supply of breast milk, I am supposed to pump 8-12 times a day. Um, how am I supposed to find the time or energy to do that?

(TWO)
DIAPERING If you have been following my blog for a while you may know that I wanted to use cloth diapers because they help reduce diaper rash. Well, unfortunately, I have not been using them. mya was in the NICU for a week and they used disposable diapers and because she arrived earlier than expected, I did not get a chance to order any cloth diapers. And that has come back to bite me in the ass. Mya has a horrible rash (aka sores). Every time that she pees and poops she SCREAMS AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS IN PAIN. And I cry. I can't make her feel better. I can't make it go away. All I can do is hold her and repeat through sobs, "everything will be OK." It is heartbreaking. I am going to call the doctor tomorrow because the petroleum jelly is not working. If you have any remedies for this, please let me know. Suffice it to say, we will start using cloth diapers ASAP.

(THREE)
THE RUNS I have a horrible case of diarrhea. I have never had diarrhea as an adult before, so I'm not sure how to handle this. I have been drinking a lot of fluids, but I have not been able to eat much because I have no appetite. I am still pumping for Mya, but I don't know if I should throw this milk out because it may be riddled with bacteria. I have to ask the doctor about that one too.

(FOUR)
NO SUPPORT Drew went back to work last night for the first time and I cried. I am so tired. We agreed that when he got home in the morning he would tend to Mya so that I could get some uninterrupted sleep, pump, and shower as needed. But not today. He decided that he was too tired and at 10:00 AM he woke me up and told me that he was too tired and that I had to take over. Now mind you, I was up most of the night with a screaming baby ALONE and SICK. Then to boot, he did not wash the bottles and I was forced to clean the kitchen while trying to calm Mya who was once again screaming because of her rash (see TWO). All I could do was cry. Nonstop. And my usually sweet and understanding husband tells me, "well, I have to go to work so I have to sleep." SAHM, how the hell do you do it? Really? Could you tell me?

Despite it all, I still love being a mom (and I use that term loosely). I just needed to vent. Here's a pic so that this ends on a good note.

Can we talk honestly? I mean can I tell you how I really feel without fear? I hope so because I need to get this out now. I am overwhelmed. I am scared, tired, achy, and really overwhelmed. I love being a mom. That goes without saying. But, despite my complete and utter infatuation with MiMi, I find myself feeling down and even teary-eyed. I'm not sure why, but I do know that my mind is racing all the time. I barely sleep. Drew helps a lot. He takes MiMi and allows me to take naps, but when I close my eyes i find myself scared that something bad is going to happen to her. I don't want her out of my sight, yet I don't think I know what I am doing. I worry that I am damaging her because I hold her all the time (or sometimes not enough). Or because I can't calm her cries while changing her diaper. Or because sometimes i "ignore" her so that my husband can change her diaper, feed her, or hold her. Am I failing as a mom already?

I've read about the "Postpartum Blues" and I admit thatt I was feeling them in the hospital, but I thought they would cease by now. Is this  normal?

On Tuesday, April 25, 2006 we went to Dr. Shaw’s office to have the first of our bi-weekly Non-stress Test and to check my amniotic fluid level. While there was some concern about the levels previously, it was determined that all was well. My levels were 11 ml as of Tuesday April 18. This was supposed to be just an office visit, but Mya had other plans.

Mya sounded great on Tuesday. Her heart rate was strong but the nurse had a little difficulty actually tracking it for a long period of time. Mya was moving around a lot and kicking like crazy. However, when Dr. Shaw checked my fluid levels by ultrasound, he became a little concerned. It was low, but because I was a plus-size pregnant woman, he had difficult seeing much on his machine. To be safe, he sent me to the hospital to have a NST and an ultrasound done there. They would be more accurate and we would know if there was cause to worry or not.

We arrived at the hospital at around noon and had the NST. Everything was great. She had three peaks as she should have, and her movement was consistent. Unfortunately, I could not go to ultrasound right away as they were backed up. And, because I had gestational diabetes, Meg, the nurse was concerned about my blood sugar being too low. So, she sent us to lunch and told us to be back in an hour.

Andrew and I went to Pizzeria Uno’s ate lunch and returned to the hospital fort the ultrasound. The tech performed a very thorough scan and told us that all of Mya’s organs were working well. He did say that the amniotic fluid was very low- 5.6 ml at that point. He consulted the doctor and sent us back to labor and delivery. We knew that there was a possibility that I would have to be induced, but at this point nothing was certain.

Dr. Khoury, a partner at my OB’s, was on call. He informed us that I would have to be admitted and placed on IV’s of a Gatorade type liquid in hopes of increasing my fluid levels. I was admitted to the Antepartum unit of the hospital at 3:30 pm on April 25. It took six hours to get a bed in Maternity. Andrew went to work.

It was a long night. I was given 4-5 bags of fluids and had difficulty sleeping because it was too hot. My nurse was a b!tch and refused to listen to me when I told her that something was wrong. She kept telling me that it was my hormones and at times even ignored me. I was fuming. I called Andrew to complain and then cried myself into a very weak sleep.

WED APRIL 26, 2006

Somehow I made it through the night and ate breakfast at 7:00 am. At 8:30 am I was wheeled back to ultrasound to check my fluids again.

3-4 ml. WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

Dr. Bravaro, another partner at my OB’s, told me that I would have to be induced. There were too many things that could go wrong. Mya was at risk for an infection and we needed to move quickly. She checked my cervix and it was soft but not dilated. Later that evening she inserted Cervadil (a shoestring like object with a hormone to ripen my cervix) into me and told me that I would be ready in about 12 hours. Andrew and I decided to get one of the Labor, Delivery, Recovery, and Postpartum rooms ($220 /night) so that I would be more comfortable and he or my mom could stay with me. I sent Andrew home so that he could get SOME sleep because he had only gotten 2 hours in the last 36.

Well, true to form, the meds worked quickly on me. By 10:00 pm I was having pretty intense contractions. I called the nurse and she told me that there was no way that I could be in labor that quickly. But I was. The contractions were coming every 7 minutes and they were lasting for almost 2 minutes. I was in pain. The nurses were not listening to me and I couldn’t fight. I was tired and in pain. Finally, I stood up to go to the bathroom and my water broke. There was no denying it now. I was in labor. I called Andrew and told him and then told the nurses.

THURS April 27, 2006

OK, so everything after this is kind of sketchy, but I will try to recant it as accurately as possible.

12:30 AM-6:00 AM: Dr. Bravaro checks my cervix. I am roughly 2cms but contractions are coming hard and fast. They start me on Pitocin and antibiotics (group beta strep +). I’m in pain. There is a sharp shooting pain in my pelvis and I am shaking. Sometime after they give me Staidol to relax me and to help me deal with the pain.  Within 2 minutes I am spacey and apparently laughing hysterically for an hour.

6:00 AM – 12:00 PM: I am in and out of sleep. My contractions are even stronger and coming in pairs (two then none, two then none). They are about 2-4 minutes apart. Nurses still don’t believe that they are that strong. They are starting to piss me off. Andrew is GREAT though. He helps me breathe and he tries to calm me. Mya’s head is pushing against my cervix and it hurts.

Lucy, the CNM at my O’s office, comes in and applies acupuncture to my hand and shoulder to help the pain. It works great, but now the contractions are so strong. They are coming 1-2 mins apart. No one checks my cervix and when I beg for an epidural, they tell me not now. Lucy tells me to take a warm shower to help relax my muscles. It works.

12:00 PM – 2:30 PM: Dr. Shaw (MY OB) is there. So is my Mom. I’m not sure when they got there, but I saw them and I felt better. Dr. Shaw checks my cervix and I am 7 cm. He says that I can get an epidural. THANK GOD!!!! I think at this point I am screaming for a c-section because it hurts so badly. LOL. (Who would have thunk it?)

The Anesthesiologist does my epidural and despite the intensity of my contractions, I manage not to move. It goes really well and quickly and relief comes before I know it. I dose off (as I do after any pain meds are given to me) for a little while and awake to breathe through contractions. Dr. Shaw checks me again, but no progress. I am still 7cms. But there is a problem. Mya’s heart rate is high (175bpm) and it hasn’t come down. Dr. Shaw is concerned that she has an infection and decides that she has to come out now. We don’t know how long I was losing fluid and it’s just too risky to wait. I understand and while I was asking for a c-section, I did not really want one. I’m crying and nervous because Mya could be in trouble. Things are getting really scary.

2:30 PM -3:21 PM: I’m given more meds by epidural to numb me for the surgery. My mom kisses me on the forehead. In a matter of minutes I am whisked to the ER and Andrew is taken to scrub up and be dressed. Things are moving so fast now. There are a lot of doctors in the OR including Dr. Hailey the Neonatologist. He informs us that he will take Mya as soon as she is born and check her. I’m in and out of sleep and not really sure what is going one.

After what seems like seconds, I hear her. Mya’s cry. It is like music to my ears. She is alive and breathing and from what I can see kicking like crazy. She has a huge head of hair and is very WHITE. I’m trying to watch, but I’m sleepy. Andrew screams, “she has my toe gap,” and I start laughing. It’s true. She has her father’s toe gap!!!!

3:21 PM
5 lbs 15 oz
18 inches long

Andrew holds her and we cry. The nurses bring her to me to kiss and see. I’m so happy and I want to hold her, but I understand that she has to be treated for infection and her breathing is wrong. Dr. Hailey tells me that she will be in NICU and that Andrew can go with her. I’m relieved that her Daddy will be there.

Dr. Shaw closes my incision and tells me that Mya was stuck. My fibroid was preventing her from descending down the birth canal and that is what was causing the sharp pain. He says that the c-section went well and that all will be fine. I know they will be because I trust him 100%.

I’m wheeled into recovery and I sleep for a bit. After two hours I am allowed to see Mya, but I cannot hold her yet. She is in NICU and placed on CPAP to help her breather and antibiotics to fight infection. I cry. I want to hold her, but it is not possible.

I’m taken back to my room where I sleep for a few hours. My mom wants to stay with me to ensure that the nurses do their jobs (she is a retired RN) and so that Andrew can go home and get some sleep. He is exhausted and the next few days will be tough for him.

She is home now and I'm loving it!!!!

Thanks for all the great comments on my previous posts. And thank you Howard for making my post the featured one! That was so cool.

I really don't have the energy to write a long post especially since my brain is only focused on getting Mya home ASAP. I am so in love with this little girl. She is the most amazing person to ever enter my life. She is absolutely beautiful. And while I have to troop to the NICU every day to see her and to hold her, I am already smitten with this new role that I have taken on. Motherhood is the best job in the world (worries and stresses included).

So what's new with Mya?

• She is 1 week old today.
• She is no longer receiving photo therapy as her Jaundice has cleared up.
• She is eating well (40 ml of breast milk per feeding).
• She is sleeping in a crib in the NICU and has been able to maintain her own body temperature.
• SHE WILL BE HOME TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!

So what's new with me?

• My milk supply has come in. I have been exclusively pumping for her because her sucking reflex is not developed enough for her to breastfeed. It's OK though. What's important is that she get breastmilk. I've been using the Medela Lactina Pump and have been able to get 80 ml of milk at each 20 minute pumping session.
• My doctor removed my staples and my c-section incision is healing very well. I have been taking Motrin 600 for the pain and Tylenol with Codeine at night. However, I have not been taking them too often.
• I'm so tired. Everyone keeps telling me that I should rest and I am trying, but it's hard when Mya is not home.
• I am writing Mya's Birth Story but it will take me a while to organize my thoughts. It's should be here soon

I just got home. Been in the hospital since last tuesday, but wanted to let everyone know that she is here

Edd: May 23, 2006
Birthday: April 27, 2006
Time: 3.21 PM
Weight: 5 lbs 15 oz
Length: 18 in

I had an emergency c-section (details at a later time). I was 36 weeks 3 days. Mya is in NICU but has been off of oxygen, IVs, and CPAP since Friday. She has Jaundice and is undergoing light therapy and I am breastfeeding. She should be home on Wed.

OK, off to bed.

Kristina (Husband apologizes for being to excited to email anyone. LOL)