Great Expectations

I had some bleeding yesterday. Not spotting, but bleeding. It was supposed to be a good day. After a year of looking, my husband got a GREAT job. It was supposed to be a good day. But I was bleeding. So we went to the hospital. I resigned myself to the fact that my pregnancy was over and that I would never be a mpther through natural pregnancy. It was tough. But I talked myself out of false hope. My husband on the other had kept telling me that it was a good day and that all would be well. We went to the hospital. They did an internal exam. My cervix was fine. Bleeding was not new blood. They did an ultrasound. There was a heartbeat. 166 bpm. My baby is fine. Yesterday WAS a good day.

I have two fibroids. Biig ones. I will have to have a c-section. I'm ok with this as long as it means that my baby will be ok.

Yesterday was a good day.

Sometimes I feel guilty. The world is in disarray. People are suffering every day. And not just those in countries that are economically suffering. But people are suffering here, in the USA, the richest country in the world. The land of opportunity. So, I feel guilty that I am bringing a child in a world where they will be subject to disappointment, heartache, and pain. I don't want that for my child; what parent does. But, I am afraid that I won't be able to shelter him/her from all that is bad in the world. I've experienced heartache: rape, miscarriage, death of a parent. I know what it's like to barely heal. So many of my blog friends hav eexperienced loss of loved ones during terriorist attacks and other acts of political aggression and I feel so helpless. I can't make their pain go away. I can't my own disappear. How will I protect my own child? My own family. I know all families struggle with this issue, but I can't help what made me think that bringing a child into this world is smart.

I know now. It is called HOPE.

I HOPE that a new life will create new opportunities for change.
I HOPE that "a child will lead" the way to redemtion.
I HOPE that I am wise enough to steer my child away from my mistakes so that he/she can avoid the same results.
I HOPE that my child will be the key to finding humility and humanity.
I HOPE that I can teach my child to be proactive and willing to challenge the system.

Man, HOPE is a powerful word.

Kristina needs lots of support for speech therapy and occupational therapy.

Kristina needs your help.

Kristina needs a bone marrow transplant.

Kristina needs it.

Kristina needs to be kidnapped.

Kristina needs a fan club too.

Kristina needs clubs to submit suggestions for local sponsors.

Kristina needs a financial breakthrough.

Kristina needs safe harbor.

Kristina needs to be a big presence at the net for us.

Kristina needs to get her priorities straight

Kristina needs this operation.

Kristina needs to spend a little more time with her mother

Kristina needs the computer.

Kristina needs a good spanking.

Kristina needs to build On her consistency

Kristina needs something to eat and drink.

Kristina needs to race somebody!

Kristina needs the support of her classmates.

Kristina needs to get the hell out of that damn house

kristina needs to write again!


Should I be worried?

9 weeks 5 days....

Morning sickness is basically a mainstay. I find it hard to eat, but I do try to force myself because I am SO hungry all of the time. My job is giving me shit because I have missed so many days. But, what the hell do they want from me? I commute 45 minutes to work in the morning (at 6:45) and mornings are really tough for me. Then when I get to work I have to teach an 8:05-9:38 class. It is very tough to do this when I have to vomit every 5-10 minutes and I am not allowed to leave my class unattended...

At any rate, I am getting excited. I even started my baby registry. I know it's early, but I needed positive energy and making a registry was VERY POSITIVE ENERGY.

Well, I'm off to eat breakfast.

TTFN

I am 8 weeks 5 days, and morning sickeness has finally entered my life full blaze. It has taken over my life. For two days I have been unnable to do anytthing but cry and vomit. I can't eat although I force myself to because I am so hunfrty. I drink a lot of fluids but in the end, I just throw it all up. And my mouth- PEE-U. I can't bruish my teeth, I gargle, but it doesn't help. My tounge is like fur and I think there is stuff growing in my mouth becasue it taste so bad. Saltines don't help. Ginger tea or candy doesn't help. Cucmbers, watermelon, white rice, dry cereal, dry toast- they don't help. Am I the only one? Am I the only one not enjoying being pregnant becasue m/s is so bad? HELLLLPPPPPP EDD 5/23/06 (causing mommy stress already).

We had the second ultrasound, but because their printer was not working, we did not get a piicture. At any rate, the baby is doing well, In fact, he/she is measuring at 8 weeks 3 days not 7 weeks 6 days like we thought. My dud date is now May 23, We even got to "see" the heart beat and it was beating at 125 beats per min. I gusee this is a good thing because th tech did not worry. I'm so excited now. In other news, I need a new job. As a HS teacher in a high-needs school, I do not work in the safest environment. In fact, on Wed a student pushed me through a door. The admin does not do anything and I know this boy will be back in my class on Monday. So, I need a new job that pays at least 39000 and has benefits. Any tips?

I had my second pre-natal appointment today. All is well.  Dr. S checked my cervix and it closed and there is no blood (sorry, TMI) so my scare last week has been squashed. however, he was a little bothered that they did not do an ultrasound at the hospital, therefore he is sending me for one tomorrow. I'm glad too, because I want to see my baby again.  I was also able to ask him some questions that  I have been stressing over and now that I have my answers, I feel better.  I am having my cerclage done on November 14th, so I have to meet with the perinatalologist on November 7th to make sure that all is good for the cerclage. Dr. S is very optimistic about my pregnancy and his confidence is making me and Drew feel a lot better.

It is all starting to hit. Drew and I are going to be parents and I am finally starting to get excited. Granted, I am still nervous, but excitement is a lot less exhausting.

I told my husband that men were able to take over the world because they just kept knocking us up leaving us emotional, fragile, uncomfortable and sick to our stomachs. It is so strange how biting a simple apple, which is supposed to keep the doctor away, has condemned women to suffer pain in pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining. I wanted to get pregnant. And I am happy to be pregnant and totally consumed with pregnancy. But I need to be truthful: PREGNANCY IS NOT PRETTY! It is not all knitting booties and hats. It think that women are told that pregnancy is pleasurable and when we do get pregnant we are shocked about how uncomfortable it is. So I wanted to let you all know. You may experience the most agonizing morning sickness and fatigue ever. But, when it is all said and done, you have to remember what your body is doing. My body is a vessel for life. In 227 days I will bring a new life into the world and there will be no purer love than what we will have for each other. And for that, for that, the sickness is all worth it. TTFN

No more spotting!!! Whoot, Whoot!!!! I am however, extremely moody and uncomfortable. I think all pregnant women should be allowed to work from home or not at all and still get paid. Being pregnant is exhausting. Is there something I can do to get my energy level up, because at this rate I am going to drop soon.

I do love my husband though. He is so helpful and really does try his hardest to make me feel better. If only there was somethng he could do.

I forgot to update you all. Sorry.

I had my first ultrasound on Tuesday and found out that I am 6 weeks 6 days as of today. We also got to see our little dot Baby Roo. Here's a picture:

Then yesterday I had some bleeding (spotting I guess) when I wiped (sorry tmi). I panicked. DH and I went to the emergency room and had an exam done. The doc said that all was well and that I have a bit of cervixitis (inflamation of the cervix) which may have been caused by the transvaginal ultrasound on Tuesday. Nonetheless, he figured all is ok and did not even send me for an ultrasound becuase he saw less that a tenth of a drop of blood. Needless to say that I am releived.