Friday, 30 September 2005
A creative writing professor in college once told me that I would be a much better writer if I allowed a little more of myself in my writing. She said that my characters were so far removed from me that they were almost unbeleiveable. And then, on day, she asked me why I was so afraid of opening myself up in my writing. It took me a while to figure this out. In fact, I never really understood why myself. Then it hit me one day: I don't like opening up because I can't stand being vulnerable. I hate people knowing my weaknessess and what hurts me. I have always been the strong one, and I have to remain this way.
And then I found out that I am pregnant. Talk about vulnerable. I am definitely at my weekest. But, it's not just because I am pregnant. It is because I have been pregnant before and all that I got was a broken heart and a lifetime of sadness. I don't want to harp on this, but in order tof you readers to understand where I am headed, you have to know the path that I followed. I lost my first child when I was 19.5 weeks pregnant. It happened on what would have been my wedding day and it happened out of the blue. There were no warnings. There were no signs. But, at 19.5 weeks my daughter Samantha was ripped from me. so I have decided to open up in this blog in a way that I don't think I ever have before. I want to document every step of this pregnancy, no matter what happens.
I found out that I was pregnant almost three weeks ago. I am 6 weeks and yesterday was my first Dr.'s appointment. This was with a new doctor who, unbeknownst to me and my DH, is a HIGH RISK OBGYN. That is a plus. I am overweight, I have an incompetent cervix, and I have a fibroid. As you can see, I am definitely high risk. Prior to getting pregnant I was doing weight watchers and lost almost 30 pounds. I am still trying to eat healthy.
The DR said that I have to have a cerclage (a stitch in my cervix) at 11 weeks. While it is sucessful, my weight and my fibroid could cause a problem. I may have to go on bedrest for a while. He was honest about the situation and really did make me and DH feel better, but I can't help but be worried. I am so nervous and scared. I am trying to stay positive because already this pregnancy is so different than the last. I am able to eat, I feel pretty good, and my lifestyle is so much healthier. Please tell me that it will be ok. I don't know if I can handle another loss.
And then I found out that I am pregnant. Talk about vulnerable. I am definitely at my weekest. But, it's not just because I am pregnant. It is because I have been pregnant before and all that I got was a broken heart and a lifetime of sadness. I don't want to harp on this, but in order tof you readers to understand where I am headed, you have to know the path that I followed. I lost my first child when I was 19.5 weeks pregnant. It happened on what would have been my wedding day and it happened out of the blue. There were no warnings. There were no signs. But, at 19.5 weeks my daughter Samantha was ripped from me. so I have decided to open up in this blog in a way that I don't think I ever have before. I want to document every step of this pregnancy, no matter what happens.
I found out that I was pregnant almost three weeks ago. I am 6 weeks and yesterday was my first Dr.'s appointment. This was with a new doctor who, unbeknownst to me and my DH, is a HIGH RISK OBGYN. That is a plus. I am overweight, I have an incompetent cervix, and I have a fibroid. As you can see, I am definitely high risk. Prior to getting pregnant I was doing weight watchers and lost almost 30 pounds. I am still trying to eat healthy.
The DR said that I have to have a cerclage (a stitch in my cervix) at 11 weeks. While it is sucessful, my weight and my fibroid could cause a problem. I may have to go on bedrest for a while. He was honest about the situation and really did make me and DH feel better, but I can't help but be worried. I am so nervous and scared. I am trying to stay positive because already this pregnancy is so different than the last. I am able to eat, I feel pretty good, and my lifestyle is so much healthier. Please tell me that it will be ok. I don't know if I can handle another loss.